Item #: SCP-00001-J
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-00001-J is to be disseminated amongst the Foundation gradually, starting with the O5 Council and Department Directors and ending at Junior Researchers. SCP-000001-J is expected to be known by each Foundation personnel by 2035. Personnel are forbidden from discussing SCP-0001-J.
Archived Special Containment Procedures (04/04/2021): SCP-000000001-J must be kept an absolute secret. The only individual that can know about it is O5-1, it's that bad.
Description: SCP-000001-J is the unfortunate truth about O5-1. SCP-00001-J is, like, suuuper embarrassing guys. O5-1 was hesitant to reveal SCP-01-J until O5-2 convinced him.
SCP-100-J was kept a secret since the formation of the Foundation in… whatever year we started. Does anyone know? Wait, what if that's another secret…
Addendum.1.1: Discovery
On 04/05/2021, O5-1 was having a super duper private, very important meeting with O5-2 when the subject of SCP-000001-J came up.
Meeting Log
[BEGIN LOG]
[The sound of rustling fabric as O5-1 and O5-2 sit down on a couch. A bubbling sound, followed by a gutteral cough and laughter.]
O5-1: Oh my god, no way you've never hit a bong!
O5-2: Shut up, I've been too busy to ever try.
[Silence. O5-1 takes the bong and rips a fat one, turning away so he doesnt' cough on O5-2.]
O5-2: You bitch, you're coughing too! You can't be shitting on me, you hypocrite.
[3 hours of extraneous information.]
[O5-2 turns to O5-1, who's scrolling through wikimedia photos of plush cats.]
O5-2: So… like… what's your thing?
[2 minutes of silence. O5-1 finally looks up from his phone and at O5-2.]
O5-1: …huh?
O5-2: You know, all the Overseers got a gimmick. -3 is an AI, -8 is like 5 dudes, -4 is into bug bites. I'm, like, Jesus, or something?? What's yours?
O5-1: Uhhhh…. I got that big secret. You know, SCP-00000000001-J?
O5-2: No, secrets are O5-14's thing.
O5-1: Who?
O5-2: What?
O5-1: Huh?
O5-2: Come on, tell me. What's your schtick?
[O5-1 sighs and stands up, walking over to his bookshelf.]
O5-1: Do you really, really wanna know? It's, like, uber embarrassing. Ugh, you'll probably hate me if I told you.
O5-2: Nooo, come on. Tell me.
O5-1: Alright, don't say I didn't warn you.
[O5-1 pulls a mechanical lever on the side of the bookshelf, causing it to rotate into the wall. Taking its place is another, secret bookshelf. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk, All About Love by Bell Hooks, A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf.]
O5-1: I'm, like, super into feminist literature. But not like those performative males, I'm like for real about this shit. But, sigh, you know, women find it so weird when I tell them about it, they think Im some creep, when really I just really sympathize with your struggle, you know?
6'1" by the way.3
O5-2:… wow
[O5-1 sighs and puts his hand on the back of his neck.]
O5-1: Ugh, you probably hate me now. I'm just… so soft and sensitive, not like those other boys…
[O5-1 looks up expectantly at O5-2. Not seeing a response, he continues.]
O5-1: Sigh, I guess nice guys like me really do always finish last. I just—
O5-2: No, no. This, this is… this is amazing…
[O5-1 sits back down slowly, fidgeting with his sweater sleeves.]
O5-1: You're just saying that.
O5-2: No, dude, this is incredible. You… you like, actually care.
[O5-2 gets up and looks at the bookshelf. Many of the books still have their plastic wrappings over them. One, Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison, is completely covered in dust. O5-2 grabs a book, Periods Gone Public by Jennifer Weiss-Wolf, and flips to a random page.]
O5-2: Oh, you probably know so, so much. Like, uh…. Oh! What's PMS?
[Silence.]
O5-1: Um…. Paternal Male Syndrome?
[END LOG]