| Critter Profile: Neil! |
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| By: |
| Published on 27 Mar 2026 14:08 |
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Info
Critter Profile: Neil!
Author:TopDownUnder
1.5k words, 8-min readFor more by me, check out my author page!
Critter Profile: Neil!
Overview!
Name: Neil
Species: Felis catus (Domestic cat)
Primary Caretaker: Terrestrial Team, Ellie Woods
Diet: Wet cat food, mice
Housed: Wilson's Wildlife Center, Enclosure 81
Creature Features!
Neil is our name for this little cat trickster! When the Caretakers dropped him off, they said he was a "minor Tartarean entity." That means something along the lines of demonic, I think. Neil looks like any other housecat, except for his glowing red eyes.
He's also a heck of a lot smarter than your average barn cat, and can even talk! He's got a very odd way of talking. I think he refuses to use any words invented after the 1700s. He's also got a soft spot for simple machinery. Give him a lever or a pulley and he'll sit there purring and watching it for hours on end. Show him a smartphone, though, and he couldn't care less.
Every conversation with Neil eventually winds its way around to him trying to buy your immortal soul, in exchange for "ancient knowledge" and "forbidden truths." He always opens with a little nugget of wisdom first, as a sample, before he tries to sell you the rest of it. Don't worry, you can just tell him no!
History!
The Caretakers dropped Neil off with us about five years ago now. They said they found him grumbling around the parking lot of a hardware store out past Boring, fussing about getting kicked out. They figured he wouldn't be much trouble, so they sent him our way!
Neil himself tells it a little differently, though. He claims he's a "Great Duke of Hell," commander of thirty-six legions, and an infernal winged lion. He says it was his "office to make men knowing all handicrafts and professions," and that he taught philosophy, mechanics, and sciences "back before man could even lift a tool." Whether you believe him or not, I wouldn't go laughing about it to his face. He does not care for being called "just a cat."
Special Needs and Accommodations!
He. Always. Gets. Out. No matter how we lock up his enclosure or reinforce it, we find him wandering the halls when we get there in the morning. As far as we can tell, he isn't doing anything bad at night, so we let him wander about. Just make sure to lead him back to his enclosure at some point. Speaking of, make sure to keep his enclosure stocked with toys! He has a habit of breaking them.
Even if you aren't assigned to Neil, feel free to pass by and chat with him! He enjoys the company, even if it doesn't sound like it. Just don't give him your soul. Obviously. You can just say no. He'll sulk around a bit but he's never pushed it too far.
Sent by: Ellie Wood
Recipient(s): Terrestrial Team (All)
Date: 2026/01/10
Dear Everyone,
As you guys know, we recently picked up a talkative little fella. As you probably also know, he likes talking to absolutely everyone! I thought it would be worthwhile to put together a quick log of his greatest hits so far, partly for training purposes, and mostly for entertainment.
Here's a couple of my favorites to start it off:
- "Submerging meat in salt shall perserve it for the long winters" (He was very smug about this one. We have refrigerators, Neil!)
- "The cosmos doth not revolve around the Earth, but the Sun!" (Four hundred years late to this one, buddy.)
- "The wheel and axel reduce the burden of any load, and without it man will never rise above the beast." (Neil, we've had wheels for thousands of years!)
- "Bleed the patient, and any fever shall lift." (Do NOT let him around the infirmary.)
If he offers you some info like the above, feel free to humor him, but please write it down in the binder I left outside his enclosure before he tries buying your soul.
Jan 19 - Ellie W.
"The lever doth multiply force according to the distance betwixt hand and fulcrum. By this principle alone will man first raise the great stones."
This is a lever, Neil. A lever. I learned about this thing back in the 3rd grade!
Jan 22 - Marcus T.
"Lo, the lodestone doth point ever northward, and by it men may find their way home."
That's just a compass. I showed him the GPS app on my phone. He stared it at for like ten seconds before he grumbled and walked away.
Jan 24 - Priya
"Boil thy water before you drink it to avoid the plague."
Actually sound advice if you're going camping! He looked pleased with himself when I told him that.
Jan 27 - Diego
he offered me some advice on quenching an iron blade??? like after you forge it so it holds its edge. he didn't really wait before launching into the soul pitch tho. usually he waits a bit, to savor the "reveal" a bit.
Jan 29 - Sam R.
Told me "the body's vapor rises and falls with the moon's pull, and so doth illness wax and wane." Before I could even say anything back he quickly said "doth this please you?" He didn't even ask for my soul until I asked about it five minutes later.
Feb 2 - Ellie W.
I sat with him for ten minutes without him saying a word. He didn't offer anything. He just sat there curled up on the windowsill, looking at the stars. I asked if he had any wisdom for me and he just sighed and said "I suppose you already know that too." I told him I actually didn't know much about the constellations and he brightened up a little and told me about Orion for almost an hour, no soul talk at all. I think he just likes having someone listen.
Feb 5 - Marcus T.
Brought him a new toy mouse since he chewed through the last one. He thanked me but didn't really touch it. Asked if I wanted to know the "proper way of sharpening one's quill" and when I told him we don't really use quills anymore, he just said "ah, of course" and didn't say a word for the rest of my shift.
Note on Feb 7th - Ellie W.
Hey all, I think we should pump the brakes on this whole binder thing.
It was funny, at first, and it still kinda is, but I don't think Neil's enjoying it like we are. He's been quieter as of late, and I think he's starting to feel more like a punchline instead of, you know, an actual five-thousand-year-old being who's trying to share what he knows. Imagine being THAT old and having literally everyone go "yeah, we know" the moment you open your mouth.
Here's what I'm thinking: let's stop the binder, and start asking him about stuff we don't know about. What the past was like, what it's like to be a winged lion (???), who he's met, what Hell's HR department is like, whatever. Let him actually be an expert for once.
Don't give him your soul. But give him a little respect.
Sent by: Ellie Wood
Recipient(s): Terrestrial Team (All)
Date: 2026/06/14
Dear Everyone,
Quick update on Neil, since a few of you asked how he's been.
Short answer: really well, honestly. Once we stopped treating him like a punchline machine, he opened up a lot. Turns out the guy has really interesting stuff to say once you ask him things he knows that we don't. Diego got him going on what it was like watching the pyramids go up. And he went on for a full two hours about it without trying to buy Diego's soul! Priya's been asking him about Hell's org chart and it's exactly as bad as you'd think. Thirty-six legions and somehow still understaffed. Probably doesn't help they're all cats.
The funniest part, though, is the soul thing hasn't gone away. It's just… shifted? He still does the bit, the dramatic pause, the "and now, for the rest of the knowledge, I require but one small thing." But instead of your immortal soul, he's now asking for more manageable things like scratches, extra helpings of wet food, or new toys! There was one time Neil had me scratch behind his ears for five minutes straight so he would finish a story about Carthage. I'm thinking he's liking the attention way more than he ever liked souls.
He's also started asking questions back! Last week he wanted to know what a podcast is. Unfortunately now we have to convince him that starting a podcast would be a bad idea.
Anyway, he seems happier. Sleeps in the sun a lot more than he used to. He still escapes his enclosure every single night, so that hasn't changed, but I'll take it.
Ellie